TREASON TRIAL TRIUMPH

After yesterday’s passing of the great Nelson Mandela, news organizations all over the world have been sharing lots of photos from the former South African president’s life. As I was looking at this picture taken in 1961 (just after a young Mandela was found not-guilty on charges of treason), I noticed one particular person in the crowd over Mandela’s shoulder seemed to stand out. If you look closely, doesn’t that look like Axl Rose in the background? And if you zoom in close, doesn’t that look like he is about to take a bite of a Del Combo Burrito from Del Taco? Maybe I am seeing things, but to me this looks like further proof that Axl Rose can time travel and that when he does, he gets hungry.

1921

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August 2, 2012 // Uncategorized

The other day I was looking through an old history book and reading about World War I when I found this picture of President Woodrow Wilson in the funeral procession of the Unknown Soldier. It was truly a sobering day in our nation’s history, and if you look closely, you can see that Axl wanted to pay his own respects to the unknown soldier. And if you look even closer, you will see that he brought what appears to be a hotdog (maybe grilled cheese?) with him to the ceremony. Yes, a sobering meal for a sober time traveler on such a sobering day.

1971

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February 23, 2012 // Axl Rose: Hungry Time Traveler

If I were going to travel back through time to attend a Vietnam war protest, I can’t think of a better snack to take with me than a hot cup-o-noodles… and apparently neither can Axl.

Until now, we have been relying on photographic evidence of Axl’s time traveling adventures, but last night I was looking though a book about ancient Egypt and found this curious hieroglyphic depicting a long haired, tattooed man wearing a bandana and eating a foot long hoagie. This ancient piece of art has confounded Anthropologists and Egyptologists alike in the hundred years since it was discovered. But you and I know what exactly what it means.

I guess I never paid too much attention to this famous picture of construction workers on their lunch break while building the RCA Building in New York City. But I wasn’t surprised when I took a closer look at this photo the other day and saw what appears to be a young Axl Rose (4th from the right) enjoying a box of hot buttered popcorn. Not surprised because it really only makes sense that if there is a great moment in history where he knows there’s going to be lunch, of course Axl Rose, the hungry time traveler, is going to be there.

Ever since the first time I heard Axl sing the Guns n Roses classic “Civil War”, I knew those weren’t the words of someone who learned about the war from books, but rather those were the words of a man who had witnessed the horrors for himself through the miracle of time travel. And I also thought they sounded like the words of a guy who would have enjoyed a tube of Gogurt while witnessing those horrors. Years later when this photograph first surfaced, it turns out I was right on both accounts.

Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they’ve always done before

Look at the hate we’re breeding
Look at the fear we’re feeding
Look at the lives we’re leading
The way we’ve always done before

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of god and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can’t deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil war

1956

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September 2, 2011 // Axl Rose: Hungry Time Traveler

This picture of James Dean and Elizabeth Taylor taken on the set of the 1956 film Giant, has always been one of my favorite photographs. The other day I got looking at it again and I noticed that if you look closely, on the right hand side of the picture you can see what appears to be a young Axl Rose wearing a beer guzzler helmet. Which of course is undeniable evidence that Axl Rose is not only a hungry time traveler, but he is also a thirsty time traveler who likes to keep his hands free.

Nobody expected Harry S Truman to win the presidential election of 1948. In fact, the Chicago Tribune was so confident in his defeat that on election night they printed their paper with a headline stating that his opponent, Thomas Dewey had actually won. If you look closely in the background of this ironic photograph, taken the day after the election, you will see that Axl Rose later traveled to the past to celebrate Truman’s victory and to eat a popsicle.

Not much is known about this photograph or it’s origins. We do know that Bruce Lee passed away on July 20, 1973, therefore this picture must have been taken some time prior to that date. But what exactly caused the fight to break out between these two legends? Was it something Axl said (or sang)? Did Bruce Lee know about and have a problem with Axl being from the future? Was Axl crunching his Sundried Tomato and Basil Wheat Thins too loudly? We can only speculate.

Axl Rose knows what it is like to be hungry, so it’s no surprise to find out that he used his gift of time travel to comfort and share his Cheetos with this migrant family from the Great Depression. More like Axl Rose: Compassionate Time Traveler!

Famed English rock band, The Beatles touch down on US soil for the first time on February 7, 1964. Among the estimated 3,000 fans gathered at JFK airport to welcome the Fab Four, was a another legendary musician, and time traveler, Axl Rose. Not only was he there to witness the beginning of the so-called “British Invasion” for himself, but he even brought a so-called “BK Whopper” along with him to enjoy while he watched history unfold.

On August 14, 1945, President Truman announced that Japan had surrendered to Allied forces, effectively ending World War II. Shortly after the announcement, people took to the streets in Time Square to celebrate. It was there that this photograph (one of the most famous photos from the 20th century) was taken. If you look closely you can see that, not surprisingly, Axl Rose (one of the most famous rock stars from the 20th century) had time traveled back to witness the event for himself – and that while joining in the excitement, he ate a Beef and Bean Macho Burrito (one of the most famous burritos from the Del Taco menu).

Hendrix. Axl. Woodstock. Charleston Chew. Closed Timelike Curve.

In 1956 thousands of Hungarian citizens rose up against and overthrew the oppressive Soviet government that had ruled over them for years. The above picture shows the statue of Stalin which was toppled during the revolt. It also shows a young Axl Rose was a part of (or at least a witness to) that bloody revolution. Although the photo is not necessarily proof that was a hungry time traveler, it does at least prove that he was a Hungary time traveler.

This picture is not only proof that Axl Rose did in fact travel back to December 3, 1968 to stand by Dr King during his famous I Have A Dream speech, but it is also proof that he does in fact like ice cream sandwiches.

May 10th, 1969, Promontory Summit, Utah – The First Transcontinental Railroad was completed with the joining of the Union Pacific and Central Pacific Railroads. That same day Axl Rose’s hunger was abated with the joining of his gaping mouth and a cold slice of seedless watermelon.

 

Most people think Predator would win, but personally I’m putting my money on Axl – because not only does he already kick so much ass, but he could just time travel back to the day the Predator was born and kick its baby ass.

It was December 3, 1968 when millions of Americans gathered around their television sets to witness the Elvis Presley Comeback Special. Axl saw this historic performance three times: Once when he was 4 years old (on TV), once again live and in person (having traveled from 25 years in the future), and once on cable last year they played it. But as you can see, the time he saw it in person, he made sure to bring along a chocolate donut to help alleviate his time-travel-munchies.

December 1, 1955 was a big day in the struggle for American Civil Rights. That was the day Rosa Parks protested the Jim Crow laws which required her to give up her seat to a white passenger. Surely her actions were not easy, but I think it was probably made just a little bit easier by the strange young man who was sitting behind her that day, offering her words of support and also some of his Sour Cream and Onion Pringles.

Most people are familiar with a cropped in version of this iconic photograph of five US Marines raising the American flag during the battle of Iwo Jima. But if you look at this full photograph, you can see that once again Axl had come back in time to see it for himself – and he obviously stopped at the mall before hand to pick up a corndog from Hotdog On A Stick.

Where were you when JFK was shot? When this question is proposed to Axl Rose, he’s likely to respond “Well, the first time, I was just one year old, but a couple years ago, I was there again and saw it myself. And I had some really good seedless grapes.”

Not only was he there when Kennedy was shot, but he also there two days later, when (after being arrested for the assassination of President Kennedy) Lee Harvey Oswald was shot and killed. That was November 24, 1963. Axl had a Big Gulp. And if I know anything about Axl, it’s most likely Dr Pepper.

In 1969, Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. This photo raises a couple of questions: How was Axl able to breathe? And is that a Ham and Cheese Hot Pocket he’s eating?

December 1941 (21 years before Axl Rose was born), as World War II raged on; Joseph Stalin, FDR and Winston Churchill met to discuss what to do about their little “Hitler problem”. This picture of the infamous world leaders was taken immediately after that historic conference. If you look closely, you can see that they had a visitor from the future in attendance – and that visitor enjoyed some corn on the cob.

Cassius Clay vs Sonny Liston: One of the greatest boxing matches of all time. And this photograph is evidence not only of the fact that Axl Rose was there (as an adult – remember he was only born in a 1962), but also that he took with him a box of Whoppers to sooth his rumbly tummy.